A woman encountered a man in the parking lot of a shopping center, and seeing him, she exclaimed happily, “Jack! I can’t believe it’s you!”
She rushed over to him, jabbering excitedly. “It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen you! My goodness Jack, how you’ve changed! Your hair used to be brown and now it’s red! And your skin, how light it’s become!”
She peered more closely. “I declare, Jack, you used to be so tall, but now you seem to have shrunk a couple of inches!”
The man replied, “I’m sorry, but my name isn’t Jack. It’s Mike.”
The woman gasped and exclaimed, “You changed your name too?”
The story is funny because it’s true. Why is it so hard to listen? Is it because we have so much internal dialogue that we only see and hear what we expect? Maybe it’s because so much of communication is nonverbal. True listening requires all your senses. If the woman had noticed the man’s bewildered expression or the fact that he was probably backing away from her, she might have realized her mistake. Instead, she was listening only to her own narrative and ignoring all signs to the contrary.
Step 2 on the Relevance Path is about listening and figuring out who it is you are listening to. When you are working with people on a daily basis, it’s good to know where they stand, how they think, what they care about. Is this person heavily invested in what’s going on? (i.e. a stakeholder?)? Are they someone who is more middle-of-the-road (MOTR)? Someone who cares a little or not at all? How can you find out for sure? How do you communicate with someone who is only listening from their own perspective of what they already believe is true? Worse, what if that person is you?
3 Steps to Conquer How to Actually Listen Effectively to Others
1. Learn to Un-listen
Sometimes to get someone to listen to you, you have to first learn to un-listen. It means learning how to stop listening to your inner voice that often presupposes so many things about other people. “That manager doesn’t really care,” you might secretly think to yourself. Or, “The guy on the other row isn’t terribly creative, so I’m just going to keep this original thought to myself.” How can you tell if someone is genuinely disengaged from a project or just appears that way because they are focused on other aspects that you are unaware of? How can you tell if someone is actually who you think they are?
2. Observe Body Language
Art teachers tell their students to draw what you see, not what you think you see. In the workplace, this could mean slowing down to watch someone’s body language, notice their energy, and listen to what they actually say. It means making the extra effort to get to know people and asking yourself, “Am I jumping to conclusions about someone, and for that matter, am I being honest with myself about who I am?” It’s terrible to hear someone have to say to you, “You’ve got me all wrong. That’s not me at all.”
3. Be Present, Interested, and Open-Minded
Anyone can ask a question, but it takes someone special to really listen to the answer. Somebody like a Pathorian. Pathorian…the very word brings to mind some kind of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed intergalactic ambassador. Present. Curious. Unpresuming. Future-oriented. Using all of their senses to explore new terrain and gain a better understanding, as whole new worlds open up to them.
About the Author: Jane B is an analyst, linguist, and trainer for Pathoras. She is a ‘Jane of All Trades’ ensuring her customer’s success.
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